Who knows?

Anyway, the latest is that I’m still seeing Baby Man Friend, although I’m thinking of staging a dramatic scene at his house this weekend in which I’m sure to cry hysterically whilst telling him that it’s just not going to work out because I can’t date someone who lives two hours away and I only see every other week. I’ve been pretty good about not getting too attached to him, but it’s beginning to make me sad that there’s nothing real about our relationship. We have tons of fun together and lots of sex, which is always a plus for me. But I really want something more from a relationship.

I want someone who I feel like I can call and cry to when I’m having a bad day or who I can just confide in if I need to. I don’t feel like I can do that with Baby Man Friend – partially because despite the fact that we’ve been dating for two months, I’ve only actually gone on five dates with him, and partially because I don’t want to scare him off. See, Baby Man Friend is way cute and is super thin with muscles everywhere. Me, not so much. I’m just waiting for him to wake up one day and be like, “Wait, you’re old. And you’re fat. What was I doing dating YOU all this time?” Granted, that’ll probably never happen, but what WILL likely happen is he’ll find someone way better than me and then I’ll be sad. All of this is why I haven’t really taken our relationship very seriously from the get-go. I’m beginning to fear that I’m going to end up really liking him though if we continue to date. So, anyway, if dramatics do occur this weekend, I will be sure to report it here.

In other news: I went out with an amazing man last week who I’m totally all about. Seriously, we definitely have chemistry (nothing physical besides kissing has happened yet, but there’s definitely something there). The only thing is that he doesn’t have time for me. He’s a big important man that has too much to do and has kids on top of all that so I’m bottom of the heap. It probably wouldn’t bum me out so much if I weren’t so into him. Also, if I were still super busy too I probably wouldn’t notice his absence so much, but now that school’s out I have every weeknight free. There’s going to be a lot of running in my future (did 4.5 miles yesterday!) to keep me occupied…or date this guy:

Went out last night with a man I’m pretty sure is gay, but we totally did it anyway. I know it’s a bad idea to fuck on the first date, but whatevs. I haven’t gotten laid in two weeks and we were both drinking so we can use that as an excuse if need be. I met him on this ridiculous dating website (which is where I also met Baby Man Friend) and wasn’t sure I’d be that into him, but he was way cuter in real life than he was in his pictures. What I loved best about last night was after we did it, he told me he thought I was a prude when he first met me. Hahahaha. If he only knew. Do I really give off a prudish aura?

Last thing and then I’ll shutup: Had to make my ex invisible on my Facebook because he posted cutesy pictures of him with his new girlfriend and it just made me so super sad. How is he still making me sad 1.5 years later? Honestly, it’s not even that I’m still in love with him (I may be), but that he looks so fucking happy. Can I PLEASE stop being angry and bitter and get the fuck over it already? I thought we’d moved past this.

Oh, OK, one more thing: When I was drunk and desperate for company the other night, I totally texted my ex-husband. WORST IDEA EVER, I know. I saw that later that night he checked me out on that dating website. Hahaha.

Jesus, this has turned into quite the confessional today. I really hope something more interesting happens in my life soon because, really, I don’t know how any of you can be even slightly entertained by this blog anymore. Also, to my lady friends: Sorry for being such a bitch lately. I hope I get out of this funk soon.

To be fair, I think part of my dating slow-down was due to Relationship Guy. Even though things didn’t work out with us (of course), he made me see that I really do want to be with someone who will treat me right. Plus, I dropped all of my fuck buddies while I was dating him because I felt weird about semi being in a relationship and still seeing other people. Relationship Guy is now my new fuck buddy. Nice how he worked that one out.

Other than him, I’m seeing this 24-year-old guy, who I lovingly refer to as my Baby Man Friend. He’s super adorable and a really sweet guy. And we actually do stuff together! We go on hikes together and get super nerdy about taking artsy photos of flowers together. And he actually posted pictures of me on his Facebook like he’s not ashamed to be associated with me, which earns him super kudos from me.  He lives two hours away though so I don’t see it turning into anything super serious since I only get to see him every other weekend or so. It’s kind of a bummer, but I’m also kind of glad that he lives so far away so I don’t get so super attached right away like I normally do with men. Oh, and he didn’t get freaked out when I started my period while we were doing it, which is a huge plus. Haha.

OK then, just thought I’d put a little update on here for those of you out there who care about such things.

I know it’s only been two weeks but it for real feels like a relationship, way more than anything else I’ve had in the last year and a half. I feel really responsible for this guy’s feelings already and I don’t want him to end up hating me if I tell him I’m not ready for any kind of real commitment. Oh, and I went out with another guy the day after my first date with relationship guy and really liked him too. He lives 2 hours away though so I’ve only seen him twice, but I really want to keep seeing him. How do I bring this up with relationship guy?

P.S. Can I just say how hard it is to tell all of my booty call/casual relationship guys that I’ve met somebody? I have one guy who thought “things were going really well” between us. Um, you do realize I only saw you around midnight for a fuck once a week, right? To me, that did not equal a relationship. I don’t know how he could have misread the situation. We didn’t even talk to each other between booty calls. So weird.

Um, so advice?

Anyway, it was strange because after all that I didn’t really want to sleep with him because I felt really guilty that he was such a sweet guy and I would probably break his heart. Of course, once he was down it was a different story. I was hesitant, but a girl can only try so hard not to get laid when all she wants to do is have sex. This is the terrible part though…I finally slept with him on Sunday. Then on Monday my disappearing man came back into my life and I was like, “Oh, you wanna fuck? OK!” Now tonight I’m supposed to go out with the sweet guy again and I don’t think I can go home with him because I’m too sore from the giant sex-fest I had last night with the other guy. I am a really, really bad person.

The thing is though, the sweet guy really is just in it for the sex too, right? I mean, who starts dating a girl two weeks before she moves 7,000 miles away and really thinks it’s going to turn into anything else, right? See how I rationalize my own bad behavior. Gotta say though, it was totally worth going to see the disappearing man again. He pulled out all the stops since he knew it might be the last time we hang out together. He was actually even nice to me like he used to be when we were officially a couple. I guess he doesn’t want me to go back home hating him.

Oh, and, just because I know I’ll forget to write a separate post about this, I joined a dating website. It’s probably the most hilarious thing ever to my friends because I look like the fucking girl-next-door according to my profile. I’ve got a whole list of boys lined up for when I get back. Hopefully at least one of them will actually turn out to be worth my time. I will DEF report the adventures of online dating here. I’m sure it’s going to be interesting, to say the least.

Anyway, I haven’t seen him for two weeks because he’s been on vacation. But when he got back he started sending me chats on gmail asking when we could meet up. Things quickly deteriorated when I asked him if I should be concerned about getting any weird diseases from him since I’d seen his Facebook pictures from vacation and could just about guess which girls he fucked while he was there. He got completely pissed at me for that, so I apologized and practically begged him to hang out with me anyway. This is kind of our ritual. It makes me feel like shit every time it happens but I figure if I’m just nice enough then I can at least get laid. I mean, I’m only here for two more weeks anyway, right? I don’t want to be out trying to find new meat when I can just use what I have.

However, a couple of days later I learned that I don’t actually have to be nice to him to get what I want. I’ve been holding in a lot of anger toward him for these many blow-offs and the fact I’ve had to apologize for bullshit stuff. So I finally lost it the other day when he sent me a chat, after ignoring me for a full day because of the condom comment, in which he casually mentions that a girl just left his house so now he has time to talk to me. I finally blew up at him over that. I said all of the mean nasty things I’ve wanted to say to him for weeks with no response from him. He loves to NOT talk about things. Anyway, I figured it was over after that because there were plenty of FUCK YOUs and “I wish I’d never met you” type comments in there. I went for a run to get out the rest of my pent up rage and then went to Starbucks to relax and download some TV shows for the next couple of weeks here.

Well, while there, he sent me another chat, which started off with him reminding me that he still owed me a good session of eating me out (something I had neither forgotten nor was I willing to give up no matter how much I hated him at that precise moment. In fact, part of the reason I was so pissed about the fight was that I thought I was going to miss out on that debt, but I digress…). We were less than cordial to each other, but somehow worked out an agreement for him to come pick me up so we could “hang out.”

It’s really strange because we said extremely hateful things to each other while we were online, but then when we saw each other in person neither of us seemed angry anymore. We actually had a really nice night together (and, yes, he paid his debt and it was definitely worth it). He confuses the fuck out of me and we fight all the time. He gets me tied up in knots and makes me feel like shit when he stops talking to me. But when we’re together I somehow forget all of that. I think this is how women get into abusive relationships. At least now I’m not afraid to be a bitch right back to him when he starts acting like a petulant child. It’s definitely turned into a love/hate relationship.

Oh, and weird thing: For someone who pretends to not give a flying fuck about me, he sure goes out of his way to make sure I’m OK. He knows that I’m completely out of cash (I had to tell him because I had no way to get to his house without him picking me up since I had no money for public transportation). So when he dropped me off this morning he gave me 60TL for food and the bus to school for the next couple of weeks. It kind of made me feel like a prostitute, but I was still grateful for it. I really don’t understand why he wanted to help me out when he spends most of his time trying to prove to me and himself that he doesn’t care about me.

Um, I really don’t know if this made any sense because I was trying not to make it too long. Hopefully it wasn’t too confusing…

I found out that my “regular” was only 22 years old via his Facebook AND he asked me to marry him so that he could get a green card to the U.S. That same day we went out together and he got another chick’s phone number right in front of me so that was pretty much the end of that good thing. Three strikes and you’re out, as the saying goes.

It wasn’t all bad though because the very next day I got an email from a guy I had met the night before, asking me out on a date. We ended up dating pretty seriously for about a month, but I became completely neurotic being in a committed relationship again. I thought he was the sweetest most wonderful guy when we were first dating, but after a couple of weeks I was constantly misreading everything he said. There was also a huge cultural barrier, in that he is a jealous, suspicious Turkish guy and I’m a friendly, outgoing, independent American girl. It made for a lot of ugly clashes. The good thing to come out of it though was two-fold: I learned a ton about Turkish culture that I wouldn’t have otherwise had a chance to experience, and I have someone new to obsess over (meaning I’m finally over the ex!).

I finally broke it off with that guy last week (or maybe he did, since it was him who stopped returning my calls), and now I’m back to casual sex to make myself feel better. I met an American guy last week who was a ton of fun, but he was just passing through Istanbul, which was definitely OK with me. I’ve also sort of been seeing this other Turkish dude, but he’s a little too interested in anal sex for my comfort level so I might have to nip that one in the bud as well. Pretty much, I had to break out Jasmine yesterday for the first time in a month. Super sad for sure, but it’s way better than all the man drama. I just really need a break from dating for a while.

Anywho, here’s the update. I met a guy a few weeks ago who was pretty freaking amazing, but he never called me (of course). So last week I started hanging out with this other guy (with the same name as the other guy, which I find pretty hysterical), who’s not really very cute (at least not to me), but he’s really gifted in *ahem* other areas. So, is it bad for me to keep seeing him even though I’m not really that into him? I mean, to be fair, I’m sure he’s not really that into me either because otherwise he wouldn’t be all about doing it all the time, right?

After that, my friend and I got totally lost trying to make it back to our part of time. We took the right bus but missed our stop and ended up all the way on the other side of town. Then we took the tram to go back, but took it in the wrong direction at first, but didn’t realize it until we got to the end of the line (obvs I was drunk). So, pretty much it took us about two hours to get home as well.

The whole time we’re trying to get back to the right spot, our Turkish friend is calling us to find out where we are so we can join him for a party. He obvs thinks we’re complete morons at this point because we ended up going all over town before making it back to the city center AND I had to hand my phone to a stranger on the tram so he could explain in Turkish exactly where we were lost at. It was quite a memorable moment.

But when we finally got out to the party and then even later to the bars, we had so much fun. The Turkish dude we’ve befriended is pretty much my most favorite person ever and I SO wish he wasn’t married. Speaking of which, after the crazy night out that same Turkish friend came back to my apartment with me because when he was driving me home he got stopped by the police. Luckily he got out of a DUI, but he already lost his license once for drunk driving so I didn’t want him to risk getting another one. Anyway, I made him some food and plied him with water in the hopes that he would sober up, but then things got a little weird…

Like I said, I’m totally in love with this guy. He’s super handsome and so nice…but he’s MARRIED. Anyway, I thought you’d all be proud of me for fully cockblocking myself. I could tell things were going to get out of control if I didn’t do something so I first brought up his wife and asked what she thought of him staying out til all hours of the night (it was 4:30 a.m. at this point). Then I just said I was super tired and basically kicked him out. BE PROUD OF ME. I haven’t had sex in almost two months and I did the right thing for once. Remember that next time you hear one of my confession-type stories. Just sayin’.